Wednesday, February 15, 2012

From My Very Heart of Hearts

I wrote this post on February 5 (I think).  I've been debating on whether or not I was going to post it.  I've read it and re-read it.  It's very personal, but I'm going to go ahead and post it in hopes that it might help others dealing with addictions.  Keep in mind, I was very emotional when I wrote it, so some of it may sound like babbling.  I didn't go back and change anything when I re-read it...I wanted it to stay as is while I was dealing with raw emotion.  I did post an update at the end on how I'm doing 10 days later.

Today is the American Heart Association's Go Red for Women Day.  This is American Heart Month and the #1 killer of women is heart disease.  More women die of heart disease than all other cancers combined.  With this said, I LITERALLY had a "come to Jesus" meeting this morning in my car on the way home from taking the boys to school.  I sobbed all the way home and told God that I cannot make the necessary changes in my life without His strength.

I have almost 150 pounds to lose to be at a healthy goal weight for my body structure, age, and stature (according to my doctor).  That is a whole other person!!!  That number seems absolutely impossible, but I realize I have to take it one day at a time.  Really in my case, it's more like one ounce at a time, one second at a time.  I'm not sure you can even begin to understand my addiction to food.  Of course you can see that I have one by looking at me, but knowing the battle that exists inside me is another story.

I eat when I'm hungry, when I'm not hungry, when I'm bored, when I'm happy, when I'm sad, when...ever!  I've tried Weight Watchers (which has definitely been the most successful for me thus far), but I always, always, always go on a huge binge within the first month or two.  I love Weight Watchers, because I don't have to give up anything I love.  I just have to learn portion control.  That's basically what their system teaches you...portion control!  And if you love food as much as I do then you take the daily points you're given and cram the most food in them as possible...which ends up training you to eat healthier in the long run, anyway.  The healthier foods have the fewest points.

Since this isn't a commercial for Weight Watchers, I'll move on.  I refuse to have surgery to lose weight.  I'm not knocking anyone who has....more power to look great!  I just personally don't want to do it.  I worked for the American Heart Association for almost 10 years...I know WHAT I'm supposed to be doing - I'm just NOT doing it!  Why?  Well, sometimes I just don't care if I'm fat, then when I do start caring, I just....and this is where my thoughts stop.  I don't know what I just do when I start caring.

I can hear some of you now..."Don't you want to be around for Ed and the kids?"  Yes!  I do!  But the addiction outweighs the desire.  I know!  It's sad!  It's horrible!  I'm only human!  Poor Josh Hamilton caved this least I'm not in the public eye of criticism.  People fail!  Romans 3:23 "For all have sinned and come short of the glory of God."  I am trying, though.  I have made better decisions today related to my eating habits.  I just ate a tomato, mozzarella, and avocado salad and I'm starving.  But instead of getting up to go to the kitchen, I sat down to get out some of this frustration. <applause>

I know how the addiction was created.  I can't change how things happened in the past.  I can only work on the future and changing me.  Thank you for listening.  I hope this helps any of you that might be struggling with your own demon of any addiction.  If you're sharing my tears right now, I understand.  Stop what you're doing...reach out to God through prayer and scripture.  If someone you know is struggling with an addiction, help them, support them, be there for them, pray for them, love them.  It's okay if you don't understand.  God doesn't ask to us understand everything, but He does ask us to love.

So, first and foremost, I'm working on my eating habits and Lindsay and I are each trying to drink a gallon of water a day.  Secondly, next week I'm starting to walk with a friend 3 days a week.  Prayers are accepted....advice or ideas on how to change are not.  Thank you.

We'll call this a "before" picture...hopefully
Collette :)

P.S.  I've lost a few pounds!!!  Yay!!  Celebrate with me!  I've been working hard to make better choices and not eat as much...I give ALL the credit to God.  He listened and He's giving me the strength I need to do this.  Honestly, it's not as hard as I thought it was going to be.  One morning I was in Walmart and I WAS STARVING!  Normally, I would have just grabbed a soda and candy bar, but 1) I'm trying to be conscious of maintaining a normal blood sugar, and I knew that would shoot it out the roof and 2) I just know better and I very easily talked myself out of it.  Instead, I went to McDonald's and got an Egg McMuffin (they're a fairly low point breakfast on the WW scale) meal with a bottled water.  Now, I'm going to lay it all out here...I did eat the hasbrowns, but I still came out better than if I had chosen a coke and candy bar...cuz we all know I would have gotten the king size.  Also, my friend and I have been walking (picture of my new shoes below...Skechers Tone Ups).  We started last week and walked Monday-Wednesday-Friday.  This week we walked today and are going to attempt to walk tomorrow and Friday to still get in our 3 days.  The first day I didn't even make it 15 minutes.  The second and third days we probably came closer to 25 minutes and today we walked for a full 30 minutes!!  And mind you, this isn't easy for me as overweight as I am.  My legs and feet hurt like crazy the entire time I'm walking, but I push through!!
These are my new walking shoes...I just found them in orange, so I'm a little bummed about that

I saw these while I was looking for a picture of my new Skechers Tone Ups and these are specifically for walking, so I may have to splurge on them in a few weeks!

Thanks for your prayers and support!!


  1. Holly Mattoon WrightFebruary 15, 2012 at 3:54 PM

    YOU are truly an inspiration and I will so be praying for you.

  2. I'm praying (and cheering) for you. Let me know if I can help!

  3. you can do this!!! I know it is hard I am in the same boat that you are in I need to get some weight off. Prayers are going up for you. When you walk look up and thank God that he is letting you go a little more each time. We can not do anything with out him. Love and Prayers are being sent your way.

    1. Thank you, Sharon! I'll pray for you, too!

  4. I'm so proud of you! You know I'm in the same boat with you and will take any help you can offer and am right here if you need me! Praying for you and love you very much!

    1. Thank you, Rhonda! I'll be praying for you, too!

  5. I struggle with the same issues - every day. As you probably recall, I lost 180 pounds. I've put about 60 pounds back on. And I'm miserable. I feel miserable; I look miserable; I won't buy myself anything new because I keep promsing myself EVERY DAY that today - I'll get back on my program. And EVERY DAY, I let myself down. Myself, Collette - I'm hurting no one but me. And I know it. But the food! I love recipes, I love to shop for food, cook food, eat food. I eat when I'm happy; sad, scared, anxious . . . and just this morning I said to myself, "Okay, Jan. Today's the day". And then I came across your blog. How God inspired is THAT??????? Tell you what - I'll pray for you - you pray for me. We are in this struggle (and no one knows whata struggle it REALLY is) - together. I'll check on this blog daily to see how you're doing and hope you won't mind my ranting and raving that I want a dang piece of chocolate cake and I want it NOW! You are beautiful person, Collette. Beautiful. And Ed loves you more than life itself. This I know firsthand because the last time I saw him, I asked about you and he literally glowed at the mention of your name. The key IS - learning to love ourselves, for ourselves - for our FAT selves, for our skinny selves, for our sinful selves, and IN SPITE of the past. Love you, my dear friend. Today is a new day with no mistakes in it. Let's make it count.

    1. Jan, thank you so much for this! When I originally wrote this post, I honestly had no intentions of posting it, because it is so personal, but God convicted me that someone else out there (even if just ONE person) might be struggling with some sort of addiction. I will definitely pray for is so hard, but God's strength is amazing! I also found this app for my iPhone called LoseIt! You enter your current weight, your goal weight, how much you want to lose each week, and it tells you how many calories you get to eat a day and how long it will take. I thought this was going to be discouraging, but I realize I can only take it one day at a time...period! I even chose the lose one pound per week option so I could have more daily calories. The walking also gives me additional calories! Or I don't have to add them back in and I just lose more that week. I'm super excited and I'll help you in any way I can!